He stared at her, then touched her face. Less than ten days ago she’d been a virgin. Now she was asking if he wanted her in his bed. It wasn’t that Cassie was arrogant or pushy, she simply had a strong sense of self. He admired that about her. He admired so many things.
“You have an odd look on your face,” she said. “Did I say something I shouldn’t have?”
“Not at all.” He kissed her. “I was just thinking how perfect you are.”
She wrinkled her nose. “That’s not true, but thanks for the compliment.” She took his hand and led him toward his bedroom. “I was reading an article in this women’s magazine and they mentioned something I thought we could try.”
“Like what?”
She gave him a coy smile over her shoulder. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”
Two hours later, Cassie lay sleeping in his arms. His body was sated and pleasantly tired, but his mind wouldn’t let him rest. He couldn’t stop thinking about Cassie…and about what she wanted. Realizing that it might not be him had changed everything.
He stroked her short, dark hair and wondered how he was supposed to figure out what was right for either of them. He knew that in three weeks she was going to leave him and that he didn’t want her to go. That much had become clear. But did he have the right to keep her? He wanted what was best for her. Could he be that? Was he capable? Or would it be kinder to simply walk away and get over her. Except he didn’t think he could.
No other woman had changed him the way she had. No one else understood him or made him happy. But it wasn’t all about him, either. He’d never thought about someone the way he thought about her. He wanted to make her happy. He wanted to help her achieve whatever she wanted in love. He wanted…
He wanted to love her.
Ryan stared into the darkness and knew he’d found a truth. He wanted to love Cassie the way she loved everyone in her world. He wanted to feel those emotions and be able to express them. But he didn’t know how to love or to tell her that he loved her. He didn’t know how to be a good husband or father. He was better with machines than people. Didn’t Cassie deserve more than him?
He ran the thoughts over and over in his mind until near dawn, then he finally slept. His dreams taunted him with visions of a future he wasn’t sure he could ever have.
* * *
“CATCH ME! Catch me!” Sasha cried as she ran around the backyard.
Ryan walked after her, careful to stay close enough to keep her safe, but not so close that he could reach her.
They’d been playing tag for nearly an hour and the toddler showed little sign of getting tired. Ryan couldn’t say the same for himself. He hadn’t gotten much sleep in the past couple of nights. He’d been too busy trying to figure out how he was going to tell Cassie all he’d been thinking about. He wanted her in his life. Of that much he was sure. The question was how did he say it? How did he make the offer so desirable that she couldn’t turn him down? So far he hadn’t come up with the perfect combination of words, but he was working on it.
Sasha dashed around the swing set. Ryan went after her. She made a darting move to her right, surprising him. He turned, tripped on a ball and tumbled to the ground.
“Smooth,” he muttered as he lay staring up at the cloudy afternoon sky. “Very smooth.”
“Unk Ryan!” Sasha rushed to his side and threw herself on top of him. “’Kay?” she asked. “Me kiss boo-boo.”
“I’m okay,” he told her and shifted her so she sat astride his waist. Her short legs stuck out. “Thanks for worrying. I tripped but I’m not hurt.”
Sasha nodded, then leaned forward and rested on his chest. “Me tired.”
Ah, so the running around had finally caught up with her. “Are you going to take a nap on me? Right now?”
She giggled and tried to fake sleep. But she kept peeking up at him to see if he was watching. Every time she showed her face, he growled at her. She giggled and retreated, only to try it again.
Suddenly, she wrapped her little arms around his neck and squeezed tight. “Me love Unk Ryan.”
His throat tightened with unexpected emotion. “I love you, too, Sasha,” he managed, although his voice was a little thick. “I love you very much and I’ll always be here for you.”
Wise toddler eyes stared at him. “Me know,” she told him solemnly, and at the moment he believed she did know that she could trust him.
Was that all it took? he wondered. A heartfelt declaration? Could he just tell Cassie that he loved her and wanted to marry her? Would that be enough? It would have to be, he thought. He didn’t have anything else to try.